I was whispering to myself, ‘Come on just one question!’ I was hitting my head with anxiety. My heart was pounding like it depended on it. If I failed this history test my life will be ruined. And I already have other problems to this. I was whispering to myself, ‘Come on just one question!’ I was hitting my head with anxiety. My heart was pounding like it depended on it. If I failed this history test my life will be ruined. And I already have other problems to think about. Like my sick mum and my older sister’s meltdown. Who cares if 10 year old girls know why a humpback whale’s pregnancy is 5 months. I shut my eyes so hard that they probably fell inside my head. My teacher took my paper away. The next day I miserably opened my eyes. Looking down I was surprised to see 100%!
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Your story made me smile, I was waiting throughout the story to see where you would use the prompt . You created a palatable feeling of tension as you described why it was important to do well in your test. At the end we found out that you had got 100%
I loved this piece! I really believed the internal conversation you were having with yourself whilst doing your test, and could sense your frustration. You hinted effectively at really massive things going on in your life and I wanted to know more. A particularly effective piece of imagery was “I shut my eyes so hard that they probably fell inside my head” – which was both funny and made me think ‘Ouch!’
One thing you could look at again is your tenses, which are not consistent. You start off in the past (“My heart was pounding”), then you change to present tense (“my life will be ruined…. And I already have other problems..”) and then back to past tense (” I shut my eyes”). This is a bit confusing for the reader.
Well done Maddie.